What to Do When Your Tears Run Dry
What to Do When Your Tears Run Dry
[Originally published April 30, 2026]
"For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps."
1 Peter 2:21, ESV
Introduction
Lord Byron wrote that the dew of compassion is a tear. Few would doubt that those who warmly care for loved ones with Alzheimer's and dementia have shed an ocean of compassionate tears. However, there is a cold reality to end-of-life caring for people with these conditions. The numbers are staggering in scope.
Alzheimer's is the 7th leading cause of death worldwide and the sixth leading cause for those over 65 years of age. Between 7.2 and 7.4 million Americans presently live with this disease. There are extreme costs that Alzheimer's and various other dementia conditions create. The estimated economic burden for care in the U.S. alone was $781 billion dollars in 2025 ($232 billion in direct medical and long-term care with $52 billion in "out-of-pocket" expenses). In addition, more than 11 to 12 million Americans provide unpaid care valued at $413.5 billion for persons with Alzheimer's and other dementias! Tragically, more than dollars vanish in situations like these. There are emotional costs, as well. Tears of compassion can also dry up for those in the people-caring business.
Alzheimer's is the 7th leading cause of death worldwide and the sixth leading cause for those over 65 years of age. Between 7.2 and 7.4 million Americans presently live with this disease. There are extreme costs that Alzheimer's and various other dementia conditions create. The estimated economic burden for care in the U.S. alone was $781 billion dollars in 2025 ($232 billion in direct medical and long-term care with $52 billion in "out-of-pocket" expenses). In addition, more than 11 to 12 million Americans provide unpaid care valued at $413.5 billion for persons with Alzheimer's and other dementias! Tragically, more than dollars vanish in situations like these. There are emotional costs, as well. Tears of compassion can also dry up for those in the people-caring business.
Compassion fatigue
Caregivers often experience what is termed compassion fatigue when they overextend themselves and feel overwhelmed by the physical (cf. physical energy and financial strain) and emotional demands imposed by the circumstances associated with caring for persons like those with dementia. Euphemisms like "the water in the teapot boiled away" and "the emotional batteries were drained" help to describe the reality for those who provide constant support.
Humans are social beings and diseases like Alzheimer's cripple the interaction between family caregivers and those who suffer from such diseases. The knowledge that the condition will not improve serves to compound the situation. Additionally, the high cost of care has left individuals and their families scrambling for alternatives to such bleak circumstances. It comes with little surprise that there are those who seek any means of escape from diseases like Alzheimer's.
Sadly, Christians are too often ill-equipped for end-of-life decision making and caregiving, especially when a family member's health condition is chronic and death could be years away. They love the family member, but find that they lack sufficient physical, emotional, and spiritual resources to walk the pathway of suffering with their loved ones (Philippians 3:10, "share in his [Christ's] sufferings"). This article points all of us, who are exhausted by the circumstances of caring for our helpless loved ones, to the One whose resources are exhaust-less.
Humans are social beings and diseases like Alzheimer's cripple the interaction between family caregivers and those who suffer from such diseases. The knowledge that the condition will not improve serves to compound the situation. Additionally, the high cost of care has left individuals and their families scrambling for alternatives to such bleak circumstances. It comes with little surprise that there are those who seek any means of escape from diseases like Alzheimer's.
Sadly, Christians are too often ill-equipped for end-of-life decision making and caregiving, especially when a family member's health condition is chronic and death could be years away. They love the family member, but find that they lack sufficient physical, emotional, and spiritual resources to walk the pathway of suffering with their loved ones (Philippians 3:10, "share in his [Christ's] sufferings"). This article points all of us, who are exhausted by the circumstances of caring for our helpless loved ones, to the One whose resources are exhaust-less.
Our example in 360-degree care
Finding deeper meaning in our suffering. John 11 provides us with an example of how the way of Christ adds meaning to a caregiver's sufferings. Jesus models the way to live life, walk along the dying pathway, and face death with hope. Indeed, the Lord was treading his own path to the cross, which was close at hand!(John 18:1-19:37)! He is our example. Despite His own crucible of suffering, he shows the power of God to live triumphantly amidst dying and death (11:3, 25-26, 43-44).
Embody Christ's example. We all shed tears when our loved ones suffer, and then die. Sometimes the tears are for our own helplessness! John 11:35 helps us to see the need to embrace wholly Jesus' way to live life, or the tidewaters of dying and death will inundate us and then wring out our hope. The brief two-word verse, "Jesus wept," may be interpreted in several ways, which impacts how we understand His mission, care for the helpless, even as he lived with the daily stresses of caregiving for all humanity. Here is some important background that led to Jesus' tears. Notice the care he shows to believers and nonbelievers alike.
First, Jesus displays how to be perturbed without becoming petulant (11:33). Most of our English translations render this verse "deeply moved" and "greatly troubled" when the words mean he was angered and distressed. Suffering and sorrow at death often expose family frictions that have been building emotional heat and roiling inside the mind and heart of caregivers. Care providers can become angry when family members and church communities do not understand the challenges of caring for the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of loved ones with dementia and Alzheimer's.
Well-meaning people often draw wrong conclusions and offer shallow responses to dying and death. The truth is that both protracted illnesses, and acute health crises that lead to sudden death, often lead to deep emotion and angry outbursts. Jesus understood human frailties, so he demonstrated how to be bothered without blowing up in a rage! It is about channeling our upset into a witness to the greater purposes of God. Allow me to expand this thought.
Secondly, allow the seeds of suffering to produce the ripe fruit of understanding in the way of Christ. Gerald Borchert, I believe, rightly interprets the context when he concludes that Jesus was deeply angered and inwardly troubled because the mourners, which included both believers and nonbelievers, totally failed to see that He was not helpless in the face of the circumstances which included death!
In fact, His resurrection and our resurrection life empower us rather than defeat us. Too often we mouth words about Jesus having power over dying and the grave but fail to receive the message into our hearts that "everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die" (cf. 11:24, 26; italics mine). Borchert states, "All true life is in Christ. In Him is lodged everything that is essential to life, in its origin, its maintenance, and its consummation, and all this is conveyed to the believer in his union with Him. This life is not affected by death. Every believer is in reality and for ever [sic] sheltered from death." [1]
Embody Christ's example. We all shed tears when our loved ones suffer, and then die. Sometimes the tears are for our own helplessness! John 11:35 helps us to see the need to embrace wholly Jesus' way to live life, or the tidewaters of dying and death will inundate us and then wring out our hope. The brief two-word verse, "Jesus wept," may be interpreted in several ways, which impacts how we understand His mission, care for the helpless, even as he lived with the daily stresses of caregiving for all humanity. Here is some important background that led to Jesus' tears. Notice the care he shows to believers and nonbelievers alike.
First, Jesus displays how to be perturbed without becoming petulant (11:33). Most of our English translations render this verse "deeply moved" and "greatly troubled" when the words mean he was angered and distressed. Suffering and sorrow at death often expose family frictions that have been building emotional heat and roiling inside the mind and heart of caregivers. Care providers can become angry when family members and church communities do not understand the challenges of caring for the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of loved ones with dementia and Alzheimer's.
Well-meaning people often draw wrong conclusions and offer shallow responses to dying and death. The truth is that both protracted illnesses, and acute health crises that lead to sudden death, often lead to deep emotion and angry outbursts. Jesus understood human frailties, so he demonstrated how to be bothered without blowing up in a rage! It is about channeling our upset into a witness to the greater purposes of God. Allow me to expand this thought.
Secondly, allow the seeds of suffering to produce the ripe fruit of understanding in the way of Christ. Gerald Borchert, I believe, rightly interprets the context when he concludes that Jesus was deeply angered and inwardly troubled because the mourners, which included both believers and nonbelievers, totally failed to see that He was not helpless in the face of the circumstances which included death!
In fact, His resurrection and our resurrection life empower us rather than defeat us. Too often we mouth words about Jesus having power over dying and the grave but fail to receive the message into our hearts that "everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die" (cf. 11:24, 26; italics mine). Borchert states, "All true life is in Christ. In Him is lodged everything that is essential to life, in its origin, its maintenance, and its consummation, and all this is conveyed to the believer in his union with Him. This life is not affected by death. Every believer is in reality and for ever [sic] sheltered from death." [1]
Your Divine Caregiver!
We know that Jesus cares for humankind (John 6:5; 7:37; 10:7-10; 11:3, 25) and that he cares for those who chronically suffer (see Mark 5:25-34). His heart also goes out to the caregivers of those who must offer round-the-clock care to loved ones who are in the grip of infirmities (see John 11:20-27, 28-32).
Even so, there is more to consider. It is vital to understand the depths to which Christ's care will reach. He came to indwell our whole lives, body, mind, and soul, giving us hope in a world that is filled with evil, dying, and death.
Even so, there is more to consider. It is vital to understand the depths to which Christ's care will reach. He came to indwell our whole lives, body, mind, and soul, giving us hope in a world that is filled with evil, dying, and death.
Ways to benefit from the wholeness of Christ's care
Move beyond mere head knowledge of Christ. We sometimes exhibit this "Sunday School knowledge," when we approach superficially Christ's weeping at the tomb, or our own tears over a family member's lost capacity and vitality. Yes, I do believe that Jesus' tears were partly expressive of his sorrow at his friend's passing. Most at the tomb that day believed this to be the case (11:35-36). However, sometimes the sorrow felt by caregivers is derived from misunderstanding the full intent of Christ's mission. That was the case at the grave that day. We show head knowledge of his words but lack spiritual depth when applying them to real life! (See 11:21-27 and 11:39-40.) So, we offer a truth to "take to heart."
Live the truth that death attacks, but cannot conquer us (1 Corinthians 15:54-55, 58). It is unlikely that Jesus wept over death itself. He had already stated that Lazarus' illness would not end in death but would instead show God's glory (11:4). It is most probable that Jesus' weeping was due to the failure of all at the tomb to fully recognize that He was God's Son. Our Lord cares about us when we suffer and grieve. His death on the cross demonstrates that He gave sacrificially so that we might live fully here and now, despite our sufferings, and then eternally in the Kingdom of God.
Live the truth that death attacks, but cannot conquer us (1 Corinthians 15:54-55, 58). It is unlikely that Jesus wept over death itself. He had already stated that Lazarus' illness would not end in death but would instead show God's glory (11:4). It is most probable that Jesus' weeping was due to the failure of all at the tomb to fully recognize that He was God's Son. Our Lord cares about us when we suffer and grieve. His death on the cross demonstrates that He gave sacrificially so that we might live fully here and now, despite our sufferings, and then eternally in the Kingdom of God.
Here's the point: Choose well your worldview
There is no fountain of youth. Luke Gormally writes that present attitudes in Western urbanized countries reflect a contrasting view of aging, where medical science helps to save people from acute disease and gives them longer healthy lives, but leaves them to be overtaken by death from chronic disease. In this system, a life free from disease and frailty is deemed to be a reward of healthy living and, conversely, an unhealthy life is the result of unhealthy living. From this unrealistic view, old age and its frailties become a "problem" to be solved and the inevitable aging process is robbed of its occasion for self-transcendence.
There is a river of life (John 4:14). In contrast, aging has been viewed biblically as a journey filled with spiritual meaning. Life, with all its fragilities and dependency, offers an occasion for spiritual transformation and other-worldliness—a place where humans affirm their dependence upon God their Creator and their need for His love and mercy (e.g. chronic illness in Luke 8:43-47). Hence, aging provides us with an opportunity to acknowledge our mortality and to choose to depend wholly upon God.
There is a river of life (John 4:14). In contrast, aging has been viewed biblically as a journey filled with spiritual meaning. Life, with all its fragilities and dependency, offers an occasion for spiritual transformation and other-worldliness—a place where humans affirm their dependence upon God their Creator and their need for His love and mercy (e.g. chronic illness in Luke 8:43-47). Hence, aging provides us with an opportunity to acknowledge our mortality and to choose to depend wholly upon God.
For the heart:
Biblical principles for joyful living
Biblical principles for joyful living
Life's value regardless of human frailties. Caring for the helpless is not futile. The objective value placed upon human life is rooted in the biblical principle of the Imago Dei, the image of God, and is clearly not dependent upon psychological capacity for understanding and choice (Genesis 1:27). The Bible plainly states God's mandate to honor, not harm, the aged in order to show reverence for life and for Him (Leviticus 19:32, Proverbs 16:31; 1 Timothy 5:4). Our solution for compassion fatigue flows from the wellspring of God's love and compassion for all humanity (Exodus 34:6; James 5:11).
Reflexivity: Both the sufferer and the caregiver, entwined in mutual suffering, are invited to depend upon and trust the Creator. Likewise, Christian communities are to be centers of compassion (Matthew 25:36; Colossians 3:12; cf. James 5:14). Churches too often fall well short of supporting caregivers throughout the length and breadth of their own trail of tears. A clear strategy of caring for the caregivers will be reflexive. We will learn to prepare regular meals, provide lawn care, and/ or sit with the loved one who has dementia or Alzheimer's to allow the caregiver to rest or enjoy an afternoon away. In so doing, we will invite Christ to show us our own frailties and remind us of our finitude.
Reflexivity: Both the sufferer and the caregiver, entwined in mutual suffering, are invited to depend upon and trust the Creator. Likewise, Christian communities are to be centers of compassion (Matthew 25:36; Colossians 3:12; cf. James 5:14). Churches too often fall well short of supporting caregivers throughout the length and breadth of their own trail of tears. A clear strategy of caring for the caregivers will be reflexive. We will learn to prepare regular meals, provide lawn care, and/ or sit with the loved one who has dementia or Alzheimer's to allow the caregiver to rest or enjoy an afternoon away. In so doing, we will invite Christ to show us our own frailties and remind us of our finitude.
Conclusion
Pastoral ministry gifted me with a roll call of saintly caregivers too numerous to name, whose God-given dignity also shined brightly through their own sufferings and taught me much about the true Source of life's value. I became interwoven into their sufferings. They were guides through the "betwixt and between" of this mortal sphere and eternity (Hebrews 12:1-2). Their example instructs me and Christ's presence sustains me, as I now have stepped onto the long pathway of end-of-life care for a loved one. An ethic of Christian compassion has tears for, and encompasses, life throughout chronic disease. We may thank God for the tears and live in hope of the day when they will be no more (Revelation 21:4)!
Larry C. Ashlock
Notes:
1. Gerald L. Borchert, John 1-11, The New American Commentary,
Larry C. Ashlock
Notes:
1. Gerald L. Borchert, John 1-11, The New American Commentary,
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